Dear Mr Tent,
We’ve come a long way together. Had so many adventures…camping has taught me so many useful things. For example…
- That no matter how ‘level’ the pitch, the ‘wee-bucket’ will always mysteriously fall sideways during the course of the night
- That gigantic toads will arise from beneath the groundsheet and stealthily clamber into unoccupied shoes. Squish.
- That every campsite is seeded, pre-season, with slug eggs so that a massive army of slugs will be ripe ‘ n ready to wrap themselves around every forgotten barbecue morsel drape themselves over beer bottles and curl up in your yogurt.
- That the only place to wash your dishes is in an outdoor trough which you will find conveniently situated next to the evil pit where folks empty out the chemical toilet ‘cassettes’. What ?
- That animals will enter your tent at night and you will wake to see the bin bag moving around by itself..
- That for the cost of a few small coins you may purchase the opportunity to stand naked under a piddling shower feeding these into a metal box while foot- juice from the neighbouring shower swirls magically around your ankles.
- That every campsite contains a random dog which will appear from nowhere and cock its leg all over your barbecue and your new chairs.
- That those people who have the same tent as you also have a free range toddler who will on at least one occasion wander into your tent looking confused, or even worse may start to scream inconsolably.
- That hidden in the folds of your bed compartment is a zizzing insect with a spectacular blood sucking proboscis who has been there since you last packed away. He’s well hangry, and he’s going to feast on your flesh….
- That within a day that area just outside the entry-hole of the tent will transform into a rancid quagmire through which you will be forced to walk to escape.
- That if you forget the mallet you will be forced spend every evening on your knees banging the pegs back in with a frying pan.
- That the glorious peace of nightfall is rent by a symphony of snorers, farters and sexual athletes following an intensive training schedule.
- That it is usually possible to keep warm at night by wrapping up in a full set of ski thermals and bedding down on a full size mattress with 6 pillows, 3 duvets, and a blankie.
- That by bringing a small fridge you can prevent your beer from simmering and your butter from running into next week.
- That a portable wardrobe is the only certain way to safeguard against your clean underwear stash being used as an impromptu bat roost.A shoe store is also useful (see ‘toads’ above)..
- And a full sized cooker. In fact, a house would be really handy. Or a hotel.