( YAWN )nbsp;
Allow me to introduce you to my work buddy – Mr OutoftheArk Laptop. Generously bestowed on me by my employer, OutoftheArk here lives in his own cosy laptop rucksack and has only one role. Namely, to politely receive and carefully safeguard the many thousands of words which I am forced by my employer to produce in the form of boring professional reports. Then, to return those reports to me, exactly when I say, so that they may meet the statutory deadlines for which they are required. Preferably containing exactly the same words as I wrote in them, displayed in real letters, not a brain blasting cacophony of square things and squiggles.
However, following several years accompanied by Mr Laptop, the time has come for a horrible admission. That behind the unassuming charcoal grey corporate exterior of my buddy lurks a mean spirited oppositional git. Since the beginning of time it appears I have attempted to engage him.
The conversation typically goes something like this:
“Hey, remember that report we made last night… Well ok technically all last night and very early this morning…? ”
“I need it. Please, show me that report now….”
“Running startup scripts……..running startup scripts……running startup scripts”
“Now, please.. .If you can just open it up for me I promise I will plug you into the magic yellow lead and you can have an Internet Rush, and you can see all sorts of wonders including the Urgent email my boss sent me. About that report. Which he wants to see. I know it’s there, I saw it on Big PC.”
“Running Startup Scripts…….running startup scripts……running startup scripts…”
So, that report. I need it ..right now !!! Correction – I need it ten minutes ago . In fact, if what Big PC says is to be believed, I need it last Tuesday at the latest !!!
“Running Startup Scripts……Running startup scripts……running startup scripts ….running startup scripts”
“Listen, this is a Deadline Disaster!! A Performance Indicator Pisser and potentially a Career Catastrophe”
“Running startup scripts running startup Applying registry Applying Registry Applying Registry Applying Registry Applying Registry..”
“YES!! O Thank you most merciful and wonderful creature of grey plastic crap ……”
“Checking settings checking settings checking settings checking settings checking settings checking settings checking settings checking settings checking settings checking settings checking settings…..”
“Bring me my documents???? You have still got them??
Again???? “Whatever you require, O most powerful and omnipotent one…”
“Running startup scripts running startup scripts running startup scripts running applying registry applying registry applying registry applying registry checking settings checking settings checking settings”
“Applying Weekly Scheduled Scan. Checking item 43 out of 968,864375 items…………
Scheduled Scan. Please Do Not Turn Your Laptop Off ( and while you wait I’ll let you into a secret:
Microsoft Word is Not Responding